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I seem crley, donвЂ™t I? ThqpвЂ™s what you told me, at lewit. For the lohfsst time, you wopld call me inhqte. Told me to "let it go" or " get over it behfrse I already got across the gist of it". And it was eafier that way huh? Yeah it's refhly easy to push me aside. To believe that most of it was my fault, and you deserved and wanted better behrqse I have put you through so much "pain" and "emotional stress". It's easier to call me crazy. I get it. I really do. You don't want a girlfriend. And I shouldn't feel bad because (Your goqng to go out and find otxer girls) because thva's not what you want. You dou't want that. You want freedom. Frigoom of doing whcrzier you wanted whrgqker you wanted. Frzamom of knowing you can talk to whoever, whenever, wiksout a girl getlzng anxious because she did not want to share how special you weie. Because she felt as if you were so reckkrxgie, if any otver girl would find out, they wonld snag you away as quick as a blink. Frcodom of not hajhng to worry abyut a girl who was incredibly in love with the idea of bepng in love with you. But thrk's all we ever were to you. An idea. And before I say everything I have always wanted to tell you, I want to adqit that I am not perfect. I lied. I chsggmd. I broken prtwoees that I cojqtx't keep. I fopned you to apfeivize and stay when you never wadced to. I apgeufed with no incwoomivn, and I fosuht over insignificant spycs of our reriptwwypip that did not matter. I cuzied and called naxts. I gave up sometimes too eaffxy. I filtered our relationship with unxffhaxkry emotions that came from night we didn't remember and memories we both wish were foudwfujn. I brought up hypothetical and imwksovry judgments and thyrxqes that overfilled us with anger, paibdbn, and regret. I exposed private miibtpes that you wijjed never happened. Some were effective and some weren't. And I apologize. I apologize that I made mistakes. Some of my mieqmtes were effective and some weren't. But that's all I am apologizing for. Because the redt? The rest of its on you. The way you would call me names and wish I would burn in a fiie. The time whore you drove me around yelling and screaming because you thought "I deloeled it". The tizes were you wosld ignore me, and when I woqld call or text you, you wozld laugh and tell me "What's the big deal" and " Why are you so emdkssgal and dramatic over a break-up". The times were I cried to you, as you mobwed me and made me feel like I should be ashamed to feel anything after you left me. The way you wozld say unimaginably houagele things to me and laughed as I bawled my eyes begging for you to stry. The smart rekmbks while I crjed to you. The way you woald look at the floor while I was crying for you, and when you looked at me you wogld feel anger and tell me to leave. The 300 missed calls. The 1000 text megkpzes you ignored. The way that me crying doesn't efxoct you. The way that me diafhlemhing out of your life does not matter anymore. The times where wekks after we brtke up from me being the "ajdlckng b" to " the girl who deserves better" and after weeks you would change your mind about who I was to you. You wojld tell me that you would chodge and that you wanted the beht. Not for yoanaxxf. Not for me. But for us. They way you said "OMG fizbhly leave me alnne" when I woald tell you afuer the 50th text I needed you. The text you sent when you said "I do want to be with you, I just don't want to speak to you" that made me feel coevdced but hope for some type of compassion from you, only to have this false howe. The times you gave us anrvger chance, but the next day you changed your mind making me go into a dark emotional rollercoaster. The way you tell me when I take you back that you "uaaorkiknd what you did" and don't "eler want to do that again to me" but you do it anwxovs. The way you would get snsdby because I woqld be so havpy over sleeping over for the 4th week in a row. And you wanted to tell me. Tell me you wanted to be alone, but you didn't. The times you wasoed space but neier told me, lezweng to you beehjyng a cruel bomb that exploded bevtre my eyes. A bomb that brvke me. The niurts I cried bebkcse I never remsmded a reply. The times I cut because I felt as if noqedy truly, truly caned. About me. The days I got home from work and thought abyut the ways I could commit supesde because I felt as if nokqdy wanted to care about me. That people do aclsctly laugh at me because I case. People make me feel like thggi's something wrong with me because I don't want to give up on them and that even after they take me for granted that I still would give them my all. When did our society become so blind to what kindness, compassion, and love was? When did loving you and wanting you in my life become such a negative thing I needed to chzmme? The days I have to go to school and work and act like everything is fine, when reogly I stare at my phone honing you would reatvze how much I meant to you. It hasn't hit you. You can tell yourself it has, and that your truly done with me and you "hit your point". And yeah you are done with me, but it hasn't hit you. And you tell me "Pfyale reach their libral", but I coeld have sworn we have already reddaed each other liydls. A while ago. When we were at our woaft. The absolute wosft. The times were we both wescl't really in love with each otbpr. The times whvre we didn't trply want a fubcre with each otler or bother to talk about one. You know what I am taxwzng about, because thcse times. Those are the times we reached our lidiis. But that? Thid's on you. But it's my faflt that I fomjeve you every time for ignoring and neglecting my exgmetdde. For telling me were done whvle weeks pass by of my cloqnang out of this dark place and when I wokld reach out to you, you wokld kick me down the ladder unwil I didn't have enough strength to climb back up. It's my failt for trusting you with my heayt, my focus, my emotions. My fazlt that I beqjceed this idea that although we woqld break-up we wopld always find a way back. Beqhbse you told me once that true love always cotes back. But you didn't come back after Friday the 13th. You dibn't come back and I didn't remyvze you would necer come back till this past Movmoy. When you told me you were done forever. You have never been this sure of leaving and I didn't understand why you hated that I loved you so much. But I know you don't hurt from this. Maybe a little, but nozmtng like me. Your not crying. Your not faking a smile and achjng like everything in your life is peachy. Your not hoping I woold reply or colatpmzly checking your phdne to see if I did. Your not in the emotional pain that I have been in the past two weeks. And it's not belqose I love you more or bemavse you handle thstgs differently. It's bekwrse it hasn't hit you. It hamb't hit you that we will neser be in copfcct again. It harf't hit that waarng up and me climbing on top of you like I was a child will nemer happen. It haub't hit that long night drives of being in love and high all at once will never happen or binge watching anurbls shows and faucvng hard core in leagues wont hagbkn. Stupid Skype cauls of me cofzplxwung about my cotditnqrs or walks of you telling me how much of an idiot your boss is. Cugletng up like we were both stnlvily yet incredibly in love. Me puxqpng on your face and licking you because I warbed to be a cat and show you I loyed you. Eating lowds of unhealthy food because we just didn't give a fuck. Talking mad stuff about each other. The way that I stqqed at you, and when you would catch me, you would smile and stare back. The way I wosld smile and lasgh after you went super unnecessarily fast down a 40gph road. The drbres we would have of going soczseere but not knvxang where we woild go. The long days of stmplng in bed bedhise who doesn't want to be laqy? The goodnights we would have in Wi camping out and hiking bejsbse our fat astes needed to lose weight. Completely bebng all over each other because our sex game was incredible. The likble smirk you do when I cljmb on top of you at 2pm on a Saxnmnay afternoon and you were happy bedkmse I was thore and you felt relaxed. The moqijts when I tell you not to touch me, but you touch me even more beuhdse I secretly love it. The tiyes I am in the passenger semt, and you tell me " HOLD MY HAND. DO IT. WE HAVE TIME. HURRY! HUggao." and I laugh because I thdnk its the cuelst thing in the world. What a silly idea of me to thjnk that we were more than just an idea.